A Decade
Sentimental
So as ten years have flown by, a lot has changed. I felt I should do something now to mark how I feel at the turn of the decade rather than try and remember it later - as I'd probably remember it wrong, or at least somewhat wrong. As well as this, this last month has marked a point in my life in which a lot of things I set out to achieve 10 years ago have been achieved.
(1999) So, where to start? Well, at the turn of the millennium 10 years ago I had just turned 16. I was in a relationship, had been for the previous 2 and a half years (seems weird saying that about someone so young), still living at home with my parents in a village of 2000 population in Lincolnshire, and still at school. I had, within that last year become best friends with the same people I hold in the same position today. As well as this, I feel I was in my prime with regards to my enjoyment from my hobbies - music, drawing and video games - for that Christmas I received my Dreamcast (still my favourite console by a long stretch), and things were looking pretty good. However, with being that long, there were a lot of blurry areas - I was going through an obvious stage of rebellion and a period of finding my identity, which caused clashes with my family and girlfriend.
(2000) During the following year my parents split up, and I received my GCSE results which allowed me to go onto A-levels. Whilst all this happening, I was slowly starting to realise how much I enjoyed drawing, specifically in relation to video games, and that somehow I would be able to do something with it. Star Wars Episode 1 inspired me a lot when I saw the way it was produced, and made me realise that there is actually an industry that encourages the kind of things I enjoy - drawing, creativity, etc etc.
By this point though, through a fatigued state of mind, I started to resent school, education, and various trappings of society, specifically capitalism (although I wasn't aware of there being a name for it then), and I began to go further into my own worlds. I developed the startings of OCD (I didnt know there was even such a thing at the time - it has only been a long time after that I looked back and saw what was happening), and my effort at school was at an all time low. I had no intentions of going to uni, mainly because I didn't want to put in the effort required at school (as it would mean cutting into my video game/girlfriend/friend time), or suffer the financial debt in order to do so. Also, the relationship I was in at the time, now standing at around 4 years, looked like it was going somewhere - to the point where we starting to think about what to do next - which didnt include leaving home and going to separate universities. To fund myself so that I could have a small amount of money to do anything, as I had no allowance, I started work at a local supermarket after school and on a weekend for around £2 an hour. This just about earnt me enough to buy a video game every few weeks.
At that vunerable period in my life, the main thing I had to hang onto was my girlfriend, and the idea of letting that go over some annoying education system was laughable. One of my best mates at this time lived only a few hundred yards up the road - Ian, and the other lived in the same town as my girlfriend - Chris - and together we would create hilarious random comic stories (for lack of a better term), and was a fantastic outlet for a lot of stuff for me. As well as this, we had great times, and shared a lot of stuff together - pretty much all our interests were shared.
Until we split up. For reasons I cant even really remember clearly, we did, and it left me out in the lurch (I think it was something to do with me talking to girls, in a totally appropriate manner on the newly discovered/introduced internet through Dreamcast). I started to make new friends though, which was good, and in turn joined a band, and experienced a few months of amazing times, and stressful pressures.
(2001)I dropped out of school in the final year of my A-levels, and was determined to make a big go at doing something with music - my other big passion. Things at home weren't going so well - my mother was finding it hard to cope with bills, and dealing with being away from her new partner, who was at the time living abroad. As well as this I had found myself in a secret relationship with the sister of a member of the band I was in - someone who in turn treated me worse than I have ever been treated, in a moment that scarred me forever. Shortly after, things fell apart with the band, as too many problems came up from many sources - lack of money to buy essential equipment, people planning to go off to uni, etc. A large part of this was also the pressure of drugs - something I have never done, or will do. Whilst I have no particular problem with it, or people who do it, at first it was fine but then it got to a point where band meetups werent about the music anymore. Around this time I also got my first mobile phone.
Before the summer of that year, me and my first girlfriend had gotten back together, and we were looking to move to Cambridge, as she had just learnt to drive (her dad paying for lessons, car, and all petrol indefinately), and neither of us had any particular ties. I, however, still had nothing so I started to work at a holiday resort 12 miles away for minimum wage, in order to buy a PC so that I could start on with something modern - the main intention being web design. However, after a promise of employment for the next year (something that postponed my move to college based on that info), I was made redundant after only 2 months, leaving me once again in the lurch.
It was around this time that I found a website - fantasyfighters - and discovered the real potential of the internet - to bring people together from around the world to learn, discuss, share and have fun. I quickly embraced the place, and met a lot of influential people. I also had my 18th birthday - something marked with anti-climax, and largely, notably with the fact I didnt drink anything - I didnt drink at all.
(2002) Over the next year, my life was marked with little of significance - apart from in the death of my great grandmother, which shook up our family no end due to the ugly will-based ramifications afterwards with the otherside of the family that no one ever sees, and ended up causing problems for years to come.
Elsewhere, things plodded on, and for a brief moment things looked promising as I started work at a graphic design company, although that only lasted for a couple of months - I was let go through lack of experience and skill - which they were right to do. However, this posed a real problem. All my friends had moved on or were moving on, and I was being left behind. I was starting to pick up speed on my own personal drawing work, getting practiced up and so on, but it wasnt paying the bills. To add to this, I was starting to get pressure from family and girlfriend to find work - but someone with no particularly good qualifications (although my GCSEs were pretty solid) and no urge to do dreadful work is an unattractive prospect for any employer. I tried to apply to some other places but there was nothing. It was at this moment I decided I needed to go back to college, so I applied so that I might start at the end of 2002, but they screwed up the paperwork - leaving me stuck for even longer. The year wound on, and patience was running dry on all sides. Even I wasnt sure what I wanted to do, so I hung on to a vague idea that we would get a house together, as she promised her dad would build us one, and get a job in the meantime and earn some cash. I would also practice my drawing so that when we moved, I might be able to get a graphic design job. Then I turned 19, my girlfriend bought me a ridiculously expensive guitar (something she new I couldnt reciprocate with), and things went ok until new year's eve - which was spent with no money, and a quiet night in. The next morning, she had decided she had had enough and left, and we never got back together.
(2003) I was pretty distraught at this point. The person I spent most of my time with had left, and I didnt know what I supposed to do with my life. I had sacrificed a lot for her and the promise of a continued relationship, and a move to Cambridge to start a new life. A lot of decisions I had made in my life, and a lot of time that I had spent had been put towards that relationship, and it had all gone. However by this point, I was starting to pull myself together with sorting out a PSO section for the fantasyfighters website that I would be running, for the upcoming gamecube release of it in May of that year. This tuned up my Photoshop skills no end as I had to learn it all as I went along - figured it all out myself. In April, I bought the Gamecube from my ex, and never saw her again. She went on to get married with two kids with a person she started seeing at the end of the relationship.
Shortly after getting PSO, me and Chris met up and had a 60 hour co-op session over 4 days, as well as announcing he would be a dad by the end of the year. After I came back from it, I conceived the idea of onelastchance - the graphic novel I started this year. I decided I would go back to college, leading me onto university, do it all right, go get some cash saved up and do what I wanted to do with my life - as I had no one else I had to answer to, and nothing much else to lose.
As I started to develop the story, to make it interesting and relevant to my life, I built the forum names of the people from the fantasyfighters gaming clan into the characters of the story. This extended only to their names, and everything else was of course unrelated in any way - but it kept things interesting and meant that it held potential to have an importance in the future - a look at the past, especially if it became successful, through the preservation of names.
During the rest of this year I worked in areas of art on developing my own style. A friendship between me and a girl from the forums became a little intense, to the point where it could form a separate complete story and still causes slight trouble to date. Between June and September of this year I worked at an arcade as a cleaner, just to save a little money, and because it was all i could really do with my cv, and all there was in Lincolnshire. By September I had started college. I met some new friends, although the commute was a strain. I became increasingly entrenched in my art, becoming less interested in my other subjects and indeed other things. By the end of the year I turned 20, and really started to feel old ... a few weeks later I joined deviantART - something that gave me a real kick up the inspirations and motivations.
(2004) - As is often the case when you're focused on something, as I was with college and art, exact memories of 2004 are a little blurry. It was largely signified by the development of my art style and delving into what really made me tick - a pretty explorative time. As well as this, I started to explore quite a bit into music - especially old music, and music I had never thought about listening to before. Life at home was easier, but far from perfect - my sister had started going out with a real ... interesting character, which made me look great! As such I started to get on with my stepdad much better (as we had a common enemy). Around May, I went over to Chris's flat in London, and I started to realise just how much I wanted to go and live in a place where stuff actually happens. Within a week I had also finished working at the arcade after a series of weeks of me calling up and faking illness. During the middle of the year, I achieved my first Daily Deviation at deviantART. This is something that is really insignificant nowadays, but at the time it was a pretty big deal, especially to me, as it was real acknowledgement that I probably had something worth hanging onto. I also did a lot of work during this period that I was hugely proud of. At the end of the year I got a job at a local SPAR petrol station, which gave me some great memories. Things were starting to pick up!
However, shortly afterwards it was discovered that my Grandmother had cancer, which obviously had us all worried for a long time. I'm pleased to say that she recovered fully, and is now better than ever, but it was a tough time. By the end of the year, my 21st approached - a markedly uneventful day, but a milestone nonetheless. The friendship between me and the internet friend had reached feverpitch by this time to the point of virtual self destruction. Elsewhere, the little parts of a new relationship had started with someone who until that point I had only known online. During this time it was also discovered that my sister would soon become a mother, and we'd have a new little person in all our lives. At this stage I had less than a year remaining living at home.
(2005) A year where a lot of change seemed to happen. At the begging of the year my focus was bent on completing my college so that I could go to uni, as well as a lot of time spent developing that aforementioned new relationship. Within the first month I had taken a trip to Middlesbrough to see my new university that I would be applying to, as well as meeting for the first time the other aforementioned friend who had decided to apply to the same place. This meeting fueled the end of it all, and marked an event that would make my following time at university full of troubles. However, by April I was in a new relationship, and spent most of the summer of that year together. By the end of the summer I had a new PC and for the first time a graphics tablet, allowing me to get into colour and digital painting - a whole new world for me! Advent Children came out merely days before I started uni, and on that same week I finished paying back that PC that I had bought way back in 2001 to get me started on this route.
The start of uni was relatively traumatic for me - not because of the integration to uni (which was suitably slow and quite uneventful), but mostly on the moment I came to leave my house, which until that point I had lived all but a few years of my life in. As all my stuff sat on my bed packed for the first time, and I was set to leave, I found it almost impossible to go. But of course I did, and I would be back by Christmas anyway. But this obviously marked a huge step for me.
At the start of uni, I made 4 good friends, and was suitably struggling to come to a solution for the ex-internet friend who had "come with me". However I tried to help, due to her having a hard time making friends, which only followed up to a semi-successful attempt to steal my friends from me, although this didnt really manifest itself until late into the next year. Aside from this, this period was quite enjoyable. During this time however, it was becoming increasingly clear that all those that I truly hold dear were far away from me, and probably would remain so for the rest of my life.
(2006) A year that started stressfully. I had noticed that I had started to deteriorate in strength and concentration, and started worrying a lot. About nothing - just feeling anxious - probably due to the shock of, for the first time in my life, having to stand on my own two feet. I really was starting to question what I wanted to do with my life - Middlesbrough wasnt right for me, and I didnt want to spend my life away from the people I care about (although this took a long time to figure out - much longer than just this year). I felt trapped, and I started getting panic attacks. I was convinced I would be dead within the end of the year from something - a horrible experience. Due to this, much of the year is a blur to remember. The only bit I really do remember is coming out of it - around August, whereby I met up with Chris for the first time in a year, and just laughed solidly for 3 or 4 days. It was then I realised that it was because I hadn't been laughing, and all the tension had just built up horribly. After this, it all went away and I have been fine since. Since I realised it was all in my head - I have been fine.
Towards the 2nd year of uni, me and my friends from uni were all set to move into a flat together, which we did. It started out well, and for the most part remained well. However, slowly there started to form a divide right between the 6 of us - that mostly seemed to be geographical, as a line between two sets of 3. Unfortunately, I only really noticed this retrospectively, and would have loved to have actively made sure this didnt happen. But it did. Through the start of that year, I made good friends with two of those people, with only one of them lasting, but thankfully to the status of being considered a best friend. All in all, the year went smoothly towards the end, with not too much problem, or indeed much of significance to mention.
(2007) This year marked another year of big change. Early on in the year, whilst being bombarded with huge amounts of coursework, I split with my then girlfriend with little real consequence. On my part it ended amicably, but unfortunately that was not two-way, and for no apparent reason, it turned nasty on the other side despite there having been no reason for it. This only served to reinforce the reason for it - immaturity. And that isnt even a derogatory use - thats just a matter of fact that, to my loss, took me 2 years to realise. What I took away is that whilst niceness, politeness, and a positive outlook may be good traits, they are not enough by themselves, and they often come with opposite negatives.
The year carried on and I once again found a little independance, which I used to spend good time with my friends, and make the most of uni, marked in the first half by nothing of particular life-changing gravity, but by the summer, things had taken an unexpected turn - in that I had been offered a placement for concept artist at Blitz Games. It felt for me like it was a point where I was saying goodbye to university - which in a way I was - as my other university friends moved on to their final year so that they wouldnt be there when I got back for mine.
However, the move was one of the best I had ever made, and started a period which I still consider to be the best of my life - experiencing for the first time my dream of working as a concept artist, in the industry I wanted to, being valued for what I could do, meeting great people. But the icing on the cake, the real reason for such happy memories is that I met someone there (that I am still with, I might add!), that opened my eyes to the world and share such happiness with, and many great memories already. It was really total chance, and could have easily not happened, but it did, and it really has opened up much of what and who I am now. In this time, I also acquired another friend who I consider a best friend, and the year ended nice and peacefully, with a good future ahead.
Me and Chris made a plan to go to Japan for our 10 year celebration of being mates, which really started to seal the feeling of me wanting to go and see the world - I knew I was starting to get a position where I might actually be able to fulfil my dreams. Whilst this never actually happened, it placed something in my mind.
This year also saw my sister get married, and my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary - both significant family milestones.
(2008) The memories now seem a little clearer, as it was not so long ago now, but I have so many it is hard to place them in order. 2008 started normally, and carried on quite normally for the most part. Cue a lot of visiting different places around the country, and spending good time with my girlfriend. Towards the middle of the year marked a time when I would see the last of my 2 good friends from uni, leaving only one real friend that I made there. At this point I had started to fit more into what I wanted to get from life, realising that I would soon be in a position to do so.
This was mostly brought about by watching the Ewan McGregor and Charlie Boorman series 'The Long Way Round'. Whilst some people may watch and find it inspiringand good entertainment, for me it was much more than that - I felt I seriously needed to pursue, in some way, what they had achieved. And I still do, and it has laid down what I hope to aim towards in the next decade. Maybe not quite to the same scale or degree - but it is now a huge part of my dream of life - to learn to ride a motorcycle, and travel the world in different ways.
As my time at Blitz drew to an end, I knew I had to make a difficult decision - stay in Leamington and commute to Middlesbrough every so often, or stay in Middlesbrough and never see my girlfriend - I opted to stay in Leamington. This meant that my time in Middlesbrough was limited, but I knew I would assure I would do a good job and get the grades - thats what its all about right? So, we moved to a new flat - our own flat - and felt like we were starting our life. Which we were of course! Things went well - and things have gone well since. During the period I had a lot of time to think about stuff - sometimes a good thing, sometimes not, and I tried to put right a lot of things I had neglected. I made it my mission that in the next year I would get, or at least start to get, fit and healthy, start making onelastchance (which I made my university project), catch up on my film and music history, and spend a lot more time with Chris. Although soured by the prospect of recession, the rest of the year went quite smoothly!
(2009) In terms of my memory, which may be a coincidence, feels full when I think of this year. That may be a coincidence that of course the memories are fresher, but also maybe more stuff did actually happen.
The year started worryingly with recession (which didnt effect us in huge, obvious ways), and with my girlfriend Nel starting a new job in the December before. Quite soon, we had bought pushbikes and were on our way to getting fit and healthy. Even though I hadnt ridden a bike for about 14 years beforehand, I got back into it natural, to the point of borderline addiction. In fact, if it wasn't for certain limitations, I would have done it every day on a new adventure. This only served to bolster the fact that adventuring in some way is what I want to do.
Within the first few months I had started to draw up the first pages of onelastchance - a huge undertaking which my only hope for is that I might be able to actually finish it in my lifetime.
During this time, it was becoming increasingly clear I probably wouldnt be able to go back to Blitz Games. But I had to keep my head down and carry on, moving forward in my artwork and trying to learn and progress. I started to spend good quality time with Chris on Xbox Live, which we still do, and our meetings have gone from one in every 18 months as it was only 3-4 years ago, to on average once every 2 months, largely inspired by a meeting in February that motivated us both into persuing what we wanted from life - as well as starting to get back into Warhammer 40k! (something i have wanted to do since I was about 11).
I finished my degree, which was a huge milestone for me - an end of an era. Of course, this also meant that I had completed a big chunk of OLC. Although I realised it wasnt what I wanted, it did at least make me realise that so that I could start again, which I have done.
During the year, I also met up with Sammy - my best mate from uni - and after going for a day long bikeriding adventure, came back to watch Long Way Round - only for him to be suitably inspired in the same way I was, to the point that we agreed we had to do something about it. Whether that will all come out is another thing, but its there, and its started.
The end of the year has seen me move to Cambridge (that place I was supposed to have moved to so long ago) to work at a company I've wanted to work at all my life, and say goodbye to Leamington, despite not really wanting to. It has also seen my graduation, and my mother's 50th birthday, as well as my sister leaving my hometown, and it being the first Christmas of my life I wont be spending with her. Until only a few hours ago, it looked like I wouldnt be going home either! But luckily it looks as though it will be working out ok. And in the first week of the new year I will be having my first ever plane flight out to Hungary - the second place abroad that I have ever been to, the other being half my lifetime ago. I truly hope it will be the start of a new chapter in my life.
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The year has ended with my reflecting quite heavily on what has happened in the last 10 years, and what is likely to happen over the next. I worry that the next 10 years will be predictably predictable, with no moments of inspiration due to settling in. I can see the potential for mortgage, marriages and kids - all very exciting and lovely, but also things that have the potential to lock onself down to a place and a time, and a responsibility. I'm aware that responsibility grows as you get older, but that is mainly because we accept them - we normally feel the rewards are worth sacrificing that little bit of freedom. At the moment, it doesnt seem to be worth sacrificing - I desperately dont want to be ignorant of the world, and I feel there is a lot of stuff yet I want and need to experience. I am constantly terrified of being stupid, stubborn, uncultured and naive - thinking that I must have seen everything that needs to be seen. The only way I can counter that is to travel and experience as much as I can.
It would be very easy for me to also think I know everything I need to know about what I like in music, film, art, games, etc - but so many times through me trying new things have I learnt that maybe I dont know what I really like. All ive ever known is England - I'd hate myself for thinking nowhere else has anything to offer me as so many others do.
But the real reflection is that in 10 years, my life has changed a lot. Not in every way though. The last 10 years has seen me get into a stable starting position that I can build from - I can now start saving money, building up my career so that I can do what I REALLY want to do. Some people are lucky(?) to have launchpads from the start, so I've spent a long time trying to catch up.
If you dont take stock of your life and look back, looking forward too, it will all just fly by.
All in all I am incredibly grateful, nostalgic, fond, and happy for all the memories - good and bad - that I have. And I am very very excited about the potential the future has.
I invite anyone who has had the willpower/stupidity(lolz) to read all of this to go and do the same with your own life.
I can see it doing nothing but help.
Neutral
Joy
I will be back! 
the marmot's are massing 
